Benefits of Denying Anger

When I entered therapy about five years ago because of a long-standing bout with depression, the therapist was talking to me about anger. He asked me questions about what was the least amount of anger I could visualize. Well, this made absolutely no sense to me at all. For one thing, I never got angry or–at least very rarely. I could not see the point in discussing anger. I did not have a temper at all. In fact, I was a very easy going person. Nothing really ever bothered me. The only reason I was there was that I WAS SOMEWHAT DEPRESSED. This discussion about anger was, to say the least, a bit annoying.

Then there was the day I got in touch with my anger and it exploded all over the place. Unfortunately for my husband, he was the recipient of most of my outbursts. I had denied and disowned my anger for so long that when I unleashed it, it was as if the flood gates had been opened.

I really didn’t like this new me. I was trying desperately to continue in my old ways of denying and disowning my anger. For one thing, I found out that there were some great benefits to denying and disowning it.

• I could blame others for my unhappiness.
• I wouldn’t need to change or make amends.
• I could be free and irresponsible.
• I could allow others to take responsibility for me.

I could continue being passive/aggressive.

Now my inner child, or my kid-side, liked it this way and she didn’t want to change. It seemed to me so much easier to just blame others for my lot in life. If I took responsibility for my anger, I would have to say I was sorry and make amends. I would have to admit I was wrong and seek forgiveness. Boy, that didn’t seem like much fun. Then I feared others would begin to blame me just as I had blamed them. That was really scary.

Then it was brought to my attention that when I was annoyed with someone I needed to talk with them directly. Well, I knew that was stupid! Talk to someone directly when I was upset with them! Never! my inner child screamed.

Then came the biggy–my life was my responsibility–no one else’s. Oh no! You don’t understand–it’s my husband who makes all the decisions–not me! He would get angry–I couldn’t do that!

Little by little as I continued in therapy, I began to grow up and take responsibility for my anger. I found out the first time I confronted my husband that the world didn’t come to an end. Inch by inch I began to grow in my ability to own my anger–to take responsibility for it–to learn new, adult ways of dealing with it and it began to feel good. As time went on, I became more and more comfortable and able to accept my anger and to deal with it in an adult, healthy way.

However this is still my “Achilles heel.” I still will fall back into old patterns of denying and disowning–which had become so natural for me. Sometimes it just feels good to act like a child and blame others. But I have learned that in the long run it does me more harm than good. Then I get back on track because I have learned that if I don’t, I run the risk of falling back into depression. I can’t have it both ways. I can’t be irresponsible and emotionally healthy. It just doesn’t work.