A near miss…an arrow prayer of thanks sent up to heaven…and then my concepts of God were to be forever changed.

I was going through an intersection when a car coming from the opposite direction failed to stop and tried making a left hand turn right in front of me. Somehow, our cars missed each other by mere inches. I immediately thanked God for sparing me…but then my mind flashed back to the night before. I was in a support group. I had just entered therapy and this group a few weeks before. One of the ladies was talking about a little girl who had been abused by her father. As this woman prayed for the little girl, somehow the mention of Jesus being there in the room with her as she was abused came up. My mind pictured this little girl and Jesus standing there watching…doing nothing. Then my mind raced back to the churches I went to a a child. I heard again a testimony by a lady thanking the Lord for answering her prayer for a parking spot close to the office she was going to. I asked, “God, did you protect me from an accident, or did we just react quick enough and you had nothing to do with it?” Then, from somewhere deep inside came the anguished cry…a cry that I didn’t even realize was there, yet had all the intensity of deep buried pain, “God, how could you? How could you answer an insignificant prayer for a parking spot and yet watch a little girl being abused and not do something. You have all power. You spoke and the world came into existence. You hung the stars and the moon and the sun in place. You took the dust of the earth and made man and breathed life into his body. You can do anything. Yet you didn’t rescue that little girl from horrible abuse from her father. How could you watch and not do something. If I had been there, I would have rescued her. Why?!?”

The entire foundation that my faith was built on began crumbling. I didn’t know who God was anymore or what I could count on him for. I didn’t know if I would even like him when I found out. One night as I prayed for my daughter’s safety while traveling home late, I realized that God didn’t always protect. He may decide to let her die in an accident, or become injured. I wasn’t sure how to pray anymore, and I didn’t know how I was supposed to trust God with this new awareness. For so many years I prayed for my children and for others and would trust that he was protecting them from harm. But now…

In my quest for answers, I finally came to the conclusion that there were many things I had been taught that weren’t true. It would take some time to really find out who he was and what he was all about. I came to the belief that he was God, and although I could continue to pray for things like my children’s safety, he may have other things in mind; but that, no matter what he does, he knows best and he would be with me helping me deal with whatever lies ahead. I realized that what I was expecting him to do in stopping the abuse of a little girl, was to take someone’s free will away. That was something he would not do. And I realized that because we live in a fallen world, people will continue to do evil. They will exercise their free will and I will get in the way of that free will at times, as will others. This satisfied me for the time being, but God wasn’t finished answering my question yet.

Exactly three years later, I was again driving and praying. I had been asked to share with a Precepts ministry class how I came to terms with the fact that God saw me as a little girl being abused. They were going to do a lesson on El Roi, the God who sees. As I drove to work this day, I was thinking about this and singing praises to the Lord when he gave me the words to the song “Jehovah, El Roi.” As the words and melody came, I also was seeing him in a way I hadn’t seen him before. I realized how limited my vision is. I see the moment. I see what is happening right now,, or what had already happened. But God isn’t limited by earthly eyes. When he saw me being abused, he saw the entire picture from beginning to end. He saw me as a child being abused, but he also saw how that abuse would draw me closer to him. After all, he, Jesus that is, was my closest friend. He was the only one I could pour my heart out to. He was the one who would let me feel as though his big arms were wrapped around me when no one else would hug or hold me. He was the one I leaned on, prayed to, cried out to all through my childhood years since I came to know him at eight years old, and throughout my teen years of pain and disappointment after disappointment. He knew he’d be there for me. And he saw me now…learning more about him…helping others who had been abused. He also saw my abusers. He knew the pain they had been through. He was there reaching out to them knowing that if they’d only turn to him for help their lives would be so different. He loved them, too. He died for them, too. He saw them from the time they were conceived, and he saw the impact what they were doing would have on their lives, too.

And he saw what was coming for me, just around the bend. He saw that my step-dad was about to die, and that before that happened I needed to have some time with him to hear him say he was sorry, and my step dad needed to hear me say I forgave him. I knew something was coming when he gave me these words. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it would be painful but that he’d be there again for me with his arms wrapped tight around me. And he did just that. I think the words say all the rest. May you be blessed reading them as I was receiving them.

Jehovah, El Roi

Jehovah, El Roi
I am the God who sees
The beginning and the end
And all the in-between
Jehovah, El Roi
I see just where you are
There’s nowhere you can hide
No distance that’s too far — for me
I see the tears you’ve cried
From pain you’ve held inside
And I long to hold you tight
And draw you close to me.

Jehovah, El Roi
I’m the God who sees it all
Every secret, every fear
Every triumph, every fall
Jehovah, El Roi
Won’t you come and take my hand And someday you will see
All the good that I have planned — for you
I see the road that lies ahead
And all that waits around each bend
Your heart and soul I’ll gently tend
As you draw close to me

Jehovah, El Roi
I am the God who sees
The future and the past What is and what can be
Jehovah, El Roi
I see the storms that comes your way
I’ll give you strength to make it through
My love and grace is there each day for you
I’ll see you through the darkest night
I’ll sustain you by my might
And soon you’ll know that it’s all right
Because you’re close to me

I’ll see you through the darkest night
Through the pain I’ll hold you tight
Child you’re precious in my sight
Just stay close to me.

by annie

Copyright: annie: 1990-1998: All rights reserved